hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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