Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
