Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
