So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Randomize
