My sheets look like a crime scene.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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