Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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