When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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