Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
