Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
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