dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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