I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
