I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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