dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Randomize
