I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
