I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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