so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
