dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i love accidental penises.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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