I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
