i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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