the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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