turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
