Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
