He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
