yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
