She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
