Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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