Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
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