If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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