I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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