Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
