I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
