I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
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