If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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