I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
