Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
