i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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