I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
