I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
