I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
