Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
