Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
a search helicopter?!
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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