we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Holy sore nipples Batman
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
