Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Randomize
