: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
My dad just said "fuck circus"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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