I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
