highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
