be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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