Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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