Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
