I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I forgot wine drunk hurts
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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