the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
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