Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Randomize
