The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Randomize
