Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
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